At certain times, a lot could just be hard to understand. There are things that one wants to do, but he/she would most times come to a point of incomprehensibility. These things would seem hard to grasp, to lay upon. I have been meaning to say that I am now at a point wherein I don’t have the clearest idea of where I could be, and where I should be. I just recently checked on someone I fancied for quite long in my college senior year, and I saw how corporately, freaking, good looking he was. I felt bad about myself then. And things began to go in jumbles. I then immediately tried to make myself feel a bit better by looking over some jobs I think would push me to greater prosperity, as they say, just so I could have some advantage over him, that I could see myself getting better. A lot of things have gone through my mind, and I couldn’t laser-point at each of them. I seriously don’t know what to do. I was somehow in good thinking prior to this day. It suddenly occurred to me that I could do just way better than what I am doing now. I just opted to indulge in complacency and false fulfillment. It’s hard to fix things, my mind when I feel that I am not better than anybody else. I used to be insanely attracted to this guy before. Then suddenly, I just felt that I should be better than him. I just felt that I should be over him, no matter how ridiculously sounding it is. I would have to spare this writing from a long ludicrous story of pretense, pressure, and childish plays. But the whole story could be reached to its end by saying that I was somehow pushed to do more than I could because of him, of the envy that I was feeling the whole time, of the thought that things are simply at their most unfair. I began thinking that I could have just been motivated by him. I began asking myself if I should have that external motivation for me to be so great. And now, everything seems to be in the air. I just have to let past days for me to get to the point of where I should be. Things just come quite too tactual to be laid hands upon. I just want to keep myself dragged every morning to do what I can do. I should be elsewhere by this time. Maybe, I am just quite driven by certain irrational impulses. Very distractive or destructive I may say.
